Editor\u2019s Note:\u00a0 Ian Kerner is a licensed marriage and family therapist, writer and contributor on the topic of relationships for CNN. He is the author of a guide for couples, \u201cSo Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex.\u201d<\/p>\n
A lot of heterosexual male clients are coming into my practice admitting they picked their partner without considering sexual attraction.<\/p>\n
During couples therapy sessions with his partner in the room, the man will claim that he doesn\u2019t know why he isn\u2019t experiencing desire. Maybe it\u2019s stress, low testosterone or feeling anxious.<\/p>\n
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But when I meet with him individually, he often tells a different story. He tells me he picked his partner without prioritizing sexual attraction.<\/p>\n
Why would a person pick a potential life partner without feeling the spark of sexual attraction? And can these relationships survive and thrive? Can something like sexual attraction that wasn\u2019t there in the first place be cultivated later?<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve talked with many men in their 30s who have told me, \u201cWhen I found the woman I wanted to marry, she checked all the boxes. Except one.\u201d<\/p>\n
Characteristics on that list include \u201cbeing my best friend,\u201d \u201cwill make an amazing mother,\u201d \u201cour friends and families get along so well,\u201d and \u201cshe really loves me.\u201d The one box that didn\u2019t get ticked? Sexual attraction \u2014 and often the men didn\u2019t even list that quality to start.<\/p>\n
Sexuality is the one thing that really distinguishes a romantic relationship from a platonic one: I find that it\u2019s one kind of \u201crelationship glue\u201d that helps couples stay together through hard times. That\u2019s why I\u2019m puzzled that so many people devalue sex in picking a partner for a long-term relationship.<\/p>\n
\u201cResearch shows that, while physical attractiveness is usually among the most important traits people desire in a romantic partner, it doesn\u2019t actually top the list for men or women,\u201d said Dr. Justin Lehmiller, a research fellow at the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University, a research center dedicated to sexuality. \u201cTraits like intelligence, humor, honesty and kindness are often at least as important, if not more.\u201d<\/p>\n
Some men have internalized an \u201ceither\/or\u201d view of women: those who make great wives and mothers and those who are sexually adventurous, according to Chicago-based sex therapist Dr. Elizabeth Perri.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ve observed this in male patients who are out in the dating world and feel the pressure to pick someone whom they perceive as \u2018wife material\u2019 but without sexual attraction, rather than waiting to find a partner who is a better fit both emotionally and sexually,\u201d Perri told me.<\/p>\n
Good sex can help protect against psychological distress, including anxiety and depression, helps couples achieve a deeper connection, and improves relationship satisfaction.<\/p>\n
\u201cIf a relationship is a meal, the sexual portion ought to be considered an integral part of it, such as the protein, instead of a frivolous part like dessert,\u201d says Eva Dillon, a sex therapist based in New York City.<\/p>\n
\u201cIn my experience, it\u2019s possible for women to cultivate desire for a partner with considerable effort, but if a man does not have desire for his partner at the beginning of a relationship, he will never desire her,\u201d Dillon told me. Why count on sexual attraction coming later when you can prioritize it in a partner and enjoy the benefits from the beginning?\u201d<\/p>\n