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The Pogues of Outer Banks may have just wanted to have a good time all the time, but even the best of times and the most bonkers of TV shows must come to an end. Before our favorite treasure-hunting youths can ride off into the North Carolina sunset once and for all, however, they have a lot of grieving to do after the loss of their best friend. Also, more treasure hunting.<\/p>\n
The fifth and final season of Outer Banks finds John B. and his friends navigating the grieving process following JJ\u2019s murder at the hands of his (secret) biological father and menace to society Chandler Groff in Morocco during last season\u2019s fight to find the Blue Crown, a priceless ancient artifact that also might have magical powers. So we\u2019re charting the Pogues\u2019 grief journey throughout season five, but also our own, since we too will have to find a way to say good-bye to one of the silliest shows to ever grace our screens. May we all find acceptance, and maybe a piece of treasure or two, before the credits and the final good times roll.<\/p>\n
Spoilers follow for all ten episodes of Outer Banks season five.<\/p>\n
Pogue Stage of Grief: AngerTo be honest, most of the Pogues are still dwelling in a state of shock at the moment (that JJ is dead, that they killed a guy, that they are trapped in Morocco on this never-ending treasure hunt, that Sarah is pregnant with a Pougelet, etc.), but Kiara is fully entrenched in the \u201canger\u201d stage, and since she is leading this doomed circus on her revenge tour, everyone has to deal with the repercussions. Who decided it would be a good idea to give Kie, the woman basically holding them hostage until they find and kill Groff, a gun? Why is she the one taking all the meetings with nefarious contacts solo? Thanks to Kie\u2019s death vendetta, they all almost immediately get their asses murdered by the smugglers taking them from Morocco to Spain. The episode ends with Kiara flinging her gun around in a crowded courtyard at a decoy Groff with many innocent bystanders (who are filming her!). This is what anger will get you, folks.<\/p>\n
And what stage of grief am I in?I\u2019m in shock that the only person with any kind of sense in this group has turned out to be Rafe \u201cI almost drowned my sister in a cooler\u201d Cameron. He\u2019s the one who calls up Sheriff Shoupe \u2014 he calls it \u201cparallel computing,\u201d bless him \u2014 and finds out Groff is not in Lisbon like they had thought, but in Dubrovnik. He\u2019s the one who calls the entire group out for letting Kiara lead this thing when this will surely get them all killed. Is Rafe Cameron the real hero of Outer Banks? I am shocked, but I am not mad about it.<\/p>\n
Pogue Stage of Grief: ShockAfter watching their girl Kie suddenly become Spider-Woman, jump out of Croatian gondolas to escape the police, and then scale apartment buildings to follow Groff into his meeting with the woman authenticating the Blue Crown; having a motorbike chase through Dubrovnik with the Corsair pirates still looking for the crown; and learning that although Kiara had a chance to kill Groff on top of a bell tower, she chickened out, the Pogues end the episode without the crown, without revenge, and under arrest.<\/p>\n
And what stage of grief am I in?\u00a0Now I\u2019m the one ruled by anger! Here are the things I\u2019m most angry about in this episode: how long we spend on the gondola; the fact that Kiara, on the run from the police and photographed by several members of the public, never even considers removing her insanely conspicuous outfit that includes a trench coat and a scarf tied around a baseball hat; that flash to Kiara stabbing Groff in the bell tower being revealed as some weird, purposeless fantasy; the reveal that the Corsair pirates, led by Anton Finch, and Groff believe that the Blue Crown can bring people back from the dead, and now maybe Kiara believes this too, and is this whole season going to be about trying to resurrect JJ and are you kidding me, Outer Banks?<\/p>\n
Pogue Stage of Grief: DenialAs if the most delusional youths on television were just going to skip over the denial phase. What are the Pogues in denial about? Everything. They are in denial that after being arrested in Croatia and then shipped back to OBX (except for Cleo, who is sent packing back to the Bahamas), everything would be just fine. It\u2019s not fine. Everyone is still, like, really pissed about that riot JJ staged in the streets last season, and his friends are taking the brunt of that anger. John B and Sarah have no money and no home, and no one will employ Pogues. Pope is sentenced to one month in jail for tackling that cop during said riot and then cutting off his ankle monitor. Even Rafe, now broke thanks to Groff, is getting evicted. Everything is worse than when they left.<\/p>\n
But wait, the denial only gets worse: Pope comes out of jail with a new affection for numbing his pain with weed (JJ would be so proud, but his dad is not), Sarah thinks she can squat in a family friend\u2019s house and no one will figure it out even though they park the extremely recognizable Twinkie van in the driveway, and Kiara seems to believe a very lovely surf ceremony in JJ\u2019s honor will bring her closure even though we all know she\u2019s thinking about the Blue Crown\u2019s magical powers. Oh, and let us not forget that John B. believes he could take $70,000 worth of pot that he finds floating in the ocean and no one would come looking for it. Well, they do come looking for it, and now he has three days to find the bale of weed that he already sold to Barry for $30,000, or pay $70 grand, or else these drug dealers are going to kill Sarah. Now, he doesn\u2019t tell Sarah about the threat on her life or his terrible decision-making skills because, say it with me, John B. is also in denial that there\u2019s absolutely no reason why he can\u2019t just fix this problem on his own. Has he even seen this show?<\/p>\n
And what stage of grief am I in?\u00a0Hey, I\u2019m in denial, too! I\u2019m in denial that I have volunteered to watch a show in which the big bad for the final season reveals that he wants his hands on this coveted artifact so that he can be \u2026 \u201cthe king of Kildare.\u201d This man killed his own son so that he could be the richest person in a small beach town in North Carolina? This is his motivation? Please, dream bigger, my guy, otherwise what are we doing here? I knew a villain named Chandler Groff would be disappointing. I am not in denial about that!<\/p>\n
Pogue Stage of Grief: A sort of general psychosis, it seemsYeah, okay, \u201cpsychosis\u201d isn\u2019t in the K\u00fcbler-Ross Stages of Grief \u2014 not even in the expanded version \u2014 but any griever knows it probably should be. And right on time, the Pogues are lost in psychosis. How else do you explain John B. making a series of choices so inane you think he can\u2019t possibly make a worse decision, and then he does? I find it to be equally an awe-inspiring reminder of the beauty of Outer Banks and terrifying that this is how this show is trying to sell us on John B. becoming a father. For only John B. could be handed a solution to his ridiculous weed bale\/hit on his pregnant (bandanna) wife situation, one that is risky but fairly straightforward, and blow it all to hell. The solution? Barry the drug dealer (who already sold all of the weed and bought a $70,000 life-changing Jet Ski with the profits) knows the code to the safe at Topper\u2019s house and that there is at least $40,000 in it. Even better, Topper is supposed to be at a golf charity event with Rafe all day. More than enough time to sneak into his house, dodge Topper\u2019s drunk dad, and get $40,000 richer. Reader, it is not enough time. Both John B. and High Pope almost get shot by Topper, have to ditch all the money, and get caught on a security camera while fleeing the premises. How John B. has survived five seasons of this show, I\u2019ll never know.<\/p>\n
And what stage of grief am I in?\u00a0Bargaining. If I promise to go along with this time-filler weed plot and attempt to pay attention to the real-estate subplot involving Sarah and Rafe\u2019s stepmom Rose trying to get the Cameron kids to give up their claims on the family estate for some Kook deal that also involves Rose\u2019s new boyfriend, who just happens to be CHANDLER GROFF, will Outer Banks promise so many more scenes of Rafe being the best character on this show? I don\u2019t even think I care about all the murdering in cold blood Rafe has done anymore. Rafe forever! Oh, wait, is this psychosis, too?<\/p>\n
Pogue Stage of Grief: Depression and treasure huntingThey go hand in hand, okay? We\u2019re halfway through the season, and everyone is very in their feelings. I mean, Pope gives up weed in order to learn more about the Blue Crown! That\u2019s how sad he is! Kiara is feeling the loss of JJ so hard she \u2026 has an emotional heart-to-heart with Rafe about grief. Now, what\u2019s better to combat overwhelming sadness than focusing on a treasure hunt?<\/p>\n
The Pogues need a win \u2014 even John B. is spiraling about how much they\u2019ve lost \u2014 both emotionally and financially, and so they dive back into the Blue Crown mystery. They learn that Finch must be looking for an item called the scytale, which will tell him how to access the Blue Crown\u2019s powers. (Finch wants to resurrect his dead daughter, which, like, okay, that\u2019s cuckoo but much more believable than \u201ckng of Kildare\u201d as a villain\u2019s driving ambition.) Wouldn\u2019t you know? The scytale was bought by our old friend Denmark Tanny, which means it could be somewhere in Tannyhill, the Camerons\u2019 house. When Sarah sees a picture of it, she remembers seeing it as a child not at Tannyhill, but at her mother\u2019s postdivorce \u201ccastle.\u201d<\/p>\n