Harry and Meghan are coming home, preparing to swap California for Britain six years after leaving royal life behind in pursuit of financial independence and a glittering media career.<\/p>\n
Unfortunately, their American entertainment empire hasn\u2019t quite conquered Hollywood as planned, with their Spotify deal cancelled and several Netflix projects failing to become the global sensations everyone involved presumably envisaged.<\/p>\n
Luckily for the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, Britain never knowingly leaves a celebrity unemployed.<\/p>\n
If they need to replenish the semi-royal coffers, our broadcasters can offer countless opportunities, dignified and otherwise. From opening briefcases and complaining about pubic hairs in hotel beds to getting naked in front of a gurning Anna Richardson.<\/p>\n
Commissioning editors, form an orderly queue. Here\u2019s how the schedules could look very soon\u2026<\/p>\n
Four in a BedThe discerning duo inspect a number of royal residences, complain about the security arrangements for all of them and refuse to pay the full amount for any.<\/p>\n
The Repair ShopHarry brings in his relationship with William and Kate, a once-treasured family bond that\u2019s now smashed to pieces. Will and Dominic painstakingly glue it back together. But will everyone cry at this one?<\/p>\n
Dragons\u2019 DenMeghan asks for \u00a3500,000 in exchange for 2% of her company that sells overpriced jam, scented candles and leftover copies of her husband\u2019s books. Peter Jones is out immediately.<\/p>\n
Celebrity Naked AttractionHarry\u2019s tell-all campaign reaches its logical conclusion and becomes show-all as he finally puts the crown jewels on public display.<\/p>\n
Grand DesignsThe couple spend their Netflix and Spotify money converting a modest Surrey farmhouse into something that looks suspiciously like Buckingham Palace. Kevin McCloud pops back two years later to find they\u2019re living in a static home, no longer speaking to the architect and Harry\u2019s just lost a court case and now owes the glazier thirty grand.<\/p>\n
Location, Location, LocationPhil and Kirstie are tasked with finding the couple a secluded family home near London with seven bedrooms, bulletproof windows and absolutely no adjoining cottages occupied by relatives.<\/p>\n
Would I Lie to You?\u2018I once broke a dog bowl with my back during a fight with the future king.\u2019 Steph McGovern says it\u2019s a lie. Lee Mack and Anita Rani agree. They\u2019re all wrong.<\/p>\n
Who Do You Think You Are?SPOILER ALERT: It turns out that quite a few of Harry\u2019s relatives have been kings or queens of England.<\/p>\n
Deal or No DealAs a briefcase model on the second series of the American version, this is a fairly obvious full-circle moment for Meghan. Only this time she opens the final box and wins just \u00a350. Coincidentally, the same amount that Spotify offered her for another run of her podcast.<\/p>\n
Celebrity MastermindSpecialist subject: Everything anyone has ever done to upset them. Expect a record score.<\/p>\n