There\u2019s something uniquely irritating about being forced to listen to whatever a stranger has decided to watch on their phone. Suddenly, the airport gate has a soundtrack\u2014and it\u2019s a tinny succession of TikToks, action scenes, and FaceTime chatter that no one else signed up for.<\/p>\n
As Sammie Walker Herrera, a communication coach, puts it, you might be screaming internally: \u201cWhen I said I listen to all kinds of music, I didn\u2019t mean your music.\u201d<\/p>\n
Still, it\u2019s one thing to object internally\u2014and another to ask the person to turn it down. What if they get angry, ignore you, or turn up the volume out of spite? We asked etiquette and communication experts how to make the request without turning an annoying situation into an altercation.<\/p>\n
Sometimes the easiest solution is simply to get out of earshot. Nicole Del Valle Rose, an etiquette coach and founder of the Las Vegas consultancy Poised & Proper, says the most gracious response is often the least confrontational one.<\/p>\n
\u201cEtiquette isn\u2019t about correcting every behavior that bothers us,\u201d she says. \u201cIt\u2019s about choosing the response that creates the best outcome for everyone.\u201d<\/p>\n
If there\u2019s another table open at the coffee shop or plenty of room elsewhere in the train car, relocate. You\u2019ll solve the problem in seconds and spare both of you an awkward exchange. Save the conversation for situations where you\u2019re truly stuck, like on a plane, in a waiting room, or aboard a packed bus.<\/p>\n
It can be tempting to make sure the offender knows they\u2019re being rude. Resist the urge.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou don\u2019t want to immediately put this person on the defensive,\u201d says Walker Herrera, who runs Speak Y\u2019all, a communication coaching business. \u201cFrame how it\u2019s impacting you, rather than that they\u2019re doing something \u2018wrong.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n
Plus, you don\u2019t know why their phone is so loud. They might be hard of hearing, or they may not realize how far the sound is carrying. Treating it as a solvable volume problem\u2014not evidence of a glaring character defect\u2014makes it more likely that they\u2019ll cooperate.<\/p>\n
If you\u2019re comfortable engaging for a moment, it can help to open with a little friendliness. Larry Schooler, an assistant professor of communication studies at the University of Texas at Austin, suggests first asking what the person is listening to. After they answer, he recommends saying: \u201cOh, cool. I was just wondering if you could maybe lower the volume or listen to it privately; I needed to concentrate on something and was just finding it hard to do.\u201d<\/p>\n
Showing interest softens the interaction, Schooler says. Most people would feel uncomfortable if the first words they ever heard from a stranger were instructions to stop what they were doing or change their behavior. Giving a reason for the request also helps them understand where it\u2019s coming from, instead of concluding that you simply dislike their music, video, or podcast.<\/p>\n
If you\u2019d rather skip the small talk, Michelle Retsky, a speech-language pathologist and founder of Words in Motion Therapy in New Port Richey, Fla., teaches social communication for a living. She suggests starting with a genuine question: \u201cExcuse me, do you happen to have headphones? I\u2019m having trouble focusing, and the sound is carrying over pretty loudly over here.\u201d<\/p>\n
That frames the situation as a problem the two of you can solve together, which \u201ctakes pressure off of them,\u201d Retsky says. If they do have headphones and agree to use them, problem solved. If they don\u2019t, follow up with: \u201cWould you mind turning it down?\u201d<\/p>\n
There\u2019s no need to deliver a closing argument about the deterioration of public etiquette. The longer you talk, the more uncomfortable\u2014and potentially charged\u2014the exchange can become.<\/p>\n
\u201cShort-and-to-the-point requests can be incredibly effective,\u201d says Claudia Johnson, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Seattle. Her preferred script is just five words: \u201cWould you mind using headphones?\u201d<\/p>\n