This may be more to do with ageing than a lack of love. Talk about it \u2013 hopefully you can work out a new repertoire together<\/p>\n
My husband and I have been together for six years. He is 60, 20 years older than me. We had a baby last year and went through a really difficult time in our relationship. Things are better after some couples therapy, but we are both still unhappy with our sex life.<\/p>\n
I take a while to orgasm, and he gets very impatient and essentially just gives up (he always orgasms first, and quickly). I also have longstanding health issues that make sex painful. He has always been respectful when I\u00a0say I can\u2019t have sex because of the pain. But he gets defensive and unkind when I ask him to try new things to give me pleasure. He bought sex toys and says these were his way of trying, but I saw them as a way of him passing off a\u00a0job he can\u2019t be bothered to do.<\/p>\n
He recently told me he has been the\u00a0lover to \u201clots of\u201d women. I am wondering if he saw himself as the pleasure-giver to those women, rather\u00a0than their husbands, and that\u00a0he has now, subconsciously, transferred that into our marriage.<\/p>\n
He says he had a lot of sex before we met, so has sort of resigned himself to masturbation (I\u2019m not willing to accept that). But he says he wishes I would feel pleasure and that I deserve it. He has suggested me sleeping with other men \u2013 as long as I don\u2019t tell him about it. While I would consider non-monogamy if it was the only option, I\u00a0wouldn\u2019t want to be sneaking around.<\/p>\n
I had an active sex life before we met, and it was never just about orgasms \u2013 it was about the anticipation, and feeling sexy, wanted and emotionally bonded. I\u2019d love that with my husband.<\/p>\n
I think you\u2019ve hit on something: your husband has been used to being the lover of women without any of the responsibilities attached. Now, he\u2019s a husband, which is a different ballgame. I\u2019d be interested to know how long ago the last of these \u201crelationships\u201d was and why he decided to settle down.<\/p>\n
I went to sex and relationship psychotherapist Silva Neves. \u201cIt sounds as if the sexual problem is to do with connection,\u201d he said. \u201cIt\u2019s important for a good sex life to want to get to know our partner\u2019s body, what turns them on, how they like to be touched. But it sounds like there is little interest or curiosity from your husband.\u201d<\/p>\n
Neves felt this could be \u201cto do with ageing, or maybe he has low energy or low testosterone. It doesn\u2019t sound like he doesn\u2019t care about you \u2013 more that he doesn\u2019t think he can meet your sexual needs. It may be worth having some proper conversations about that so you can understand what is behind his\u00a0lack of interest.\u201d<\/p>\n
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You could have an open relationship, but that is on your husband\u2019s terms again, isn\u2019t it? Neves wondered if you could \u201ckeep a loving relationship by not putting pressure on yourselves to make sex work, and meet that need elsewhere\u201d? On the other hand, he said, couples can navigate the changes that happen with ageing or after having a baby if both make efforts to adapt. \u201cOne way to start is to step outside the usual sexual scripts: I\u00a0\u2018should\u2019 do this, he \u2018should\u2019 do that. Instead, how about going back to the drawing board and figuring out a\u00a0whole new sexual menu together?\u201d<\/p>\n
If your husband really won\u2019t engage, that in itself is an answer. Sex often shows cracks in relationships to which we want to turn a blind eye. It doesn\u2019t sound as if you two have ever been sexually compatible. Given the paucity of other details about how you get on, I\u00a0have to ask: what is worth saving here and do you really want to?<\/p>\n
Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions. The latest series of Annalisa\u2019s podcast is available here.<\/p>\n
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